Social Graces

I was told tonight that I have no social graces. Shocking, I know, but it is true. I have never had a knack for the social niceties and am too quick to say what I am thinking. Right now, I really miss Michele. She is really the nice one and my niceness was often just a reflection of hers, as the moon's glow is a reflection of the sun's. But, I am working on it. As I become more social, I am developing all kinds of new skills that go along with it, like grace and tact. I am constantly reminded of a line of a song I loved to sing in church as a child: Please be patient with me. God is not through with me yet. So, as I learn my new skills, I count on the loving kindness and patience of friends. But then when you think about it, compared to some of my favorite people, like Worf and Data, I'm a walk in the park! (For anyone who doesn't know, Worf is a Klingon - enough said - and Data is an android, so next to them I am excelling at this social stuff!)

Lights Out

Before Michele left we bought five push-on battery operated lights to illuminate the dark corner of the basement where the litter boxes are. Well, tonight when I took my weekly sojourn down to clean the litter boxes - trash day tomorrow! - none of the lights worked. I immediately thought of last week when my father told me that I shouldn't blog about being afraid of the dark because someone might find my blog, see my picture and how cute I am - thanks, Daddy! - and want to come get me. They would then read my posts and discover that I am afraid of the dark, come to my house, and cut my power! Soooo, that was my first thought when the basement lights weren't working!! It is possible that I have a deranged fan who would know, because I complain about it weekly, that today is the day I gather the trash and clean the litter boxes, and may have crafted this elaborate plan to catch me, arms laden with a bag of dirty litter, in a dark basement. It is probably a bit more likely, however, that I forgot to turn the lights off last Thursday and the batteries all died! Yet, you will all be proud to know that I did not let a little darkness stop me - I cleaned out the boxes in the creepy basement in very near darkness, that is except for the four ceiling lights that, of course, were working. I think it was still pretty heroic of me!

Ashes

I went to Ash Wednesday service tonight. I've always enjoyed the Lenten season. Probably because I have never been one to give something up. I always try to add something that will make me better somehow. I don't know what that will be this year - of course, I will try to pray more, be a better partner, daughter, sister, friend, employee, etc. And I always try to do something just for me - to make a better me, somehow. I think this year it might be to make a firm committment to daily yoga and meditation. I think this year, too, I will do something to make a better Earth. I already reduce, reuse, and recycle. I already use cloth napkins, phosphate-free soaps, conserve water, and buy what I can locally. Hmmm, maybe I could conserve even more water and use even fewer cleaning products by not cleaning the bathrooms for a while. I did it for the first time since Michele's been away and, let me tell you, it is NOT fun! I guess giving up something I don't really want to do anyway isn't in the spirit of the season, though. I'm sure I could reduce my energy usage by turning off some of my lights - I do use compact flourescents! - but I just can't do it and still function. I'm sure I'll think of something good that I can make into a habit. I sure wish it could be the bathroom thing, though!!

Simple Pleasures

I got two really neat things this week that made me smile. The first is a set of upholstery needles - 4 in all. My favorite of the four is the longest - 12 inches!! Yes, size does matter when you are trying to do button tufting through an 8 inch thick cushion!! I am redecorating Michele's workout room while she is away - yes, she knows - and making a "'Tween Couch." It is really a set of cushions that form a couch for when we would like to watch the only TV in our house. Then, when we need the space for yoga or whatever, they can easily be stored away. And making the couch gave me a great reason to buy a set of really big needles.

The second really neat thing I got this week is a set of tile samples. A few weeks ago, a friend and I went to Home Depot and learned how to tile floors and walls and I have been wanting to try it. I ordered a bunch of samples from a Brooklyn company and got them today. So pretty!! It got me to thinking about possibly tiling the floor in my upstairs bathroom - of course first I need to finish removing the linoleum! What a mess!!

Missing Michele

I miss Michele regularly, but especially when I am working around the house. Not because I would like her to be here doing it instead of me, but because I'd love to have her energy and company here with me doing it all together - and because I don't know how to do half the things I'm doing and I'd like to ask her a few questions. For example, I know that we bought cat litter once a month - I did the checkbook weekly and saw each transaction. If Michele were here, I would ask her what I am doing wrong because I seem to need to buy it weekly! Also, I folded the sheets and tried to put them away today. I know that they are to be stored in the linen closet in the hall. If Michele were here, I would ask her what kind of magic she works to get the sheets to all fit in that darn closet! I swear I was tempted to throw them all out! Before Michele left, she wrote me out a list of everything that needs to be done weekly. While that list is incredibly helpful, it sheds no light on HOW the things are supposed to be done. I swear she must have been a sorcerer! I mean really, only a sorcerer could get all those dish towels to fit into that little teeny drawer in the kitchen!

Goodbye, Dear Friends

Today I received the last DVD in the Star Trek TNG series - the very last two episodes. Just before Michele left, I found someone's dissertation online chronicalling all the Star Trek series' episodes in the order they happened in "real life." Since then, I have been watching TNG and DS9 together in "real life" order. I figured that once I'd finished Voyager, I would go back and watch Enterprise and the Original in the correct order, too. Well, tonight I watched the final TNG episodes. To make it special, I made a very beautiful meal, cracked open some fancy soda Michele stocked in my craft room fridge, and dug out some of my favorite "special occasion" chocolates. I said goodbye, for now, to some dear friends, but I swear the moisture in my eyes was totally due to the dilation drops the eye doctor used earlier! Though my TNG family will only return to me in movies, I still have my DS9 pals to lean on. Plus, Voyager will come into play soon. I love Captain Janeway (I met her, you know, in real, real life.)

Eye Exam

I had an eye appointment today. It's been about a year and a half since my last one and I was sure that my eyes had changed. For the FIRST TIME EVER my eyes stayed the same as the last prescription!! I was very excited. I bet it has a lot to do with all the carrots I eat!!

Busy, Busy Bee

I have been very busy today. I decided to set aside this weekend for myself. I missed Monday's holiday due to a client meeting, so I took today as my President's Day. I slept til 11, fixed up our home office and my craft room office, installed a new speaker system, made new curtains for the downstairs bathroom, thought about finishing ripping up the upstairs bathroom floor - didn't - made a yummy dinner, talked to Michele and my mom, watched Star Trek - of course - and am now debating whether to go to bed, watch another episode, or start another project. A busy, busy day! All the while, after finishing each thing, I realized how much I miss showing them to Michele and having her exclaim over whatever it is. Projects don't feel quite complete without her praise - it's like "you're never fully dressed without a smile." She says when she comes home she is going to fall into bed and sleep for days. Right after that I'll show her around, get her praise, and mark all these things off my list. Projects complete!

Note: Yesterday, I did not complain about my Thursday chores as I have done. I would like to say that it is because I have adjusted to them or that I have become a better person who does not complain. But, alas, it is because I forgot to do them! Oh well, I will just have double the work to complain about next Thursday!

Retirement

I retired our old faithful computer today. She has been acting very sluggish for the past few years and recently started going to sleep and, when we tried to wake her, wouldn't remember where she was or what she was doing. Seriously! We would get error messages that were the equivalent of "I've fallen (asleep) and I can't get (boot) up." So, I got a little docking station and will be using my laptop as our main computer. It's amazing how much more room there is in our little office area. Michele will be very pleased - it was always a crazy mess! I'll miss our old computer, though. She was a good and faithful companion. Please, can we have a moment of silence followed by Taps.

Star Trek

I think I have been watching way too much Star Trek. I decided that I should create some rules to establish some limits. My only rule was that I could not watch Star Trek in bed any longer - I was watching episode after episode and staying up way too late. So, I told myself, I can watch as many episodes as I want, but never in bed. I have adhered to this rule all week and to reward myself I have turned on the heating blanket and gotten in bed to - what else? - watch Star Trek! Hey, rules are meant to be broken, right?

Dark Roads

Over the past two evenings I have had lovely visits with very good friends. The only problem is, as you all now know, I am afraid of the dark and these two wonderful women happen to live in wonderful places that can only be accessed by travel down long, dark, dark, very, very dark roads. On my way home last night and tonight I couldn't help but think that I am truly meant for the city. It is just way too dark out there. It was so frightening to look out to the sides of the road to the dark shadowy outlines of woods and forests, and I, in my car, obsessively snick, snick, snicking the power door locks to make sure that whatever is in those dark, dark trees cannot get in with me! I swear I didn't stop my obsessive snicking and hyperventilating until I saw the street lights, head lights, and police lights that announced the city. Me and my 50,000 night lights, motion sensor dusk til dawn lights, and timer set lamps fit right in. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and love visiting them in their spaces. I just may have to tell them that I cannot visit after 6 - at least until summer!

Valentine's Day Surprise

My sweetie sent me flowers at work today. Aren't they beautiful!! I was prepared to be sad tomorrow, but how can I now with such a lovely sign of being loved and thought of. Plus, flowers delivered to work are always so much more special than ones delivered to home. I think it's the PDA (public display of affection) factor. I think when people know that you are loved you feel even more loved than if no one knew at all. For real, though, it was exactly the right thing to make me smile and to chase away a good portion of the sorrow of being so far apart on such a romantic day.

Its Ugly Head

Trash day has reared its ugly head once again. I hope this isn't a continuing theme every Thursday, but I fear it will be. I don't know who is creating so much trash, but I really wish they would stop!! I can partially blame the cats, but since I'm the one who feeds and waters them, I guess the blame is mine, too. And, of course, that floor I ripped up is a big percentage of the week's accumulated trash. But I just don't get it - every trash and recycling can, and remember there are plenty, was at least half full! Tissues, banana peals, cat hair, etc. etc. I am going to start using handkerchiefs, eating only outside the house, and shaving the cats. And don't even get me started on the laundry. I swear I am going to start wearing one outfit a week. Maybe if I turn the shirt inside out every other day no one will notice! I swear these chores make me want to take to my bed. Where is that bag of cookies?

Ripping up the Floor

I find that being home alone, I can get into some trouble. I don't have Michele here to curb my "enthusiam" for home improvement projects. That being said, I decided yesterday to rip up the linoleum on my upstairs bathroom floor. I was sure that I would find beautiful hardwood under there, just as there is in the rest of the house. Not being too much of an idiot, I decided to tear up a corner in the closet first to check and see. Well, I couldn't get a corner up in the closet, so, impatient, I decided rip up a section in front of the bathroom door. Well, I was right - hardwood floor underneath. So, tonight after choir practice, I decided to finish the job. I have the floor ripped up all the way into that stubborn closet. You know what I found? Hardwood floors, yes. Beautiful, no!! The whole time I was scrapping up the linoleum and underlayment I was saying to myself "It's ok, it's nothing a little soap and water won't cure." That was until I got to the middle of the floor and saw the 2 foot by 4 foot section of floor that must have removed to access the pipes underneath. Unfortunately, the hardwood wasn't replaced with the nice 2 inch planks to match the rest of the floor. No! They layed 2x4s!! Well, at least I have some time to get it looking decent before Michele comes home. Think she'd notice a new rag rug covering the floor?

Christmas Cactus

Last year our pastor gave us a Christmas Cactus. It didn't bloom for Christmas. In fact it didn't bloom until this past week. I noticed it yesterday - two big, fat, hot pink blooms. It makes me feel like Michele left a bit of her sunshine behind to remind me of her love. Its funny how things like blooming cacti seem to happen at just the right time, when we most need to smile.

Carrots

Those who know me very well, know that I really love carrots. I love to eat them everyday - I love to decorate with them: I've made four carrot themed quilts and have a three-foot long carrot hanging in the kitchen. Anyone who knows me even a little, knows that I adore Michele. Today at the food co-op, I found a card that both reminds me of my love for Michele and my love for carrots. If we are what we eat, I'm the carrot on the right, and, because she loves me so much, Michele would eat enough carrots to become the carrot on the left.

My Sick Baby

Michele has been sick all week. I feel so bad for her and so helpless. It's hard not being able to take care of her and comfort her. She's such trooper - getting out there and doing this difficult work while she's not feeling well. I am very proud of her, but wish I was there to care for her.

Hard Labor

Hard work really does wonders for the soul. I came home today armed with yet another to do list. Tomorrow is trash day and, before Michele left, that meant very little to me. She's always seen to the trash and the recycling. In fact, since she was laid off, she's seen to all the house chores. So, today, I thought I was ready to tackle the tasks associated with trash day. Boy howdy!! That was hard work. I groomed the cats - got nearly another cat outta all that hair! I cleaned the litter boxes - I had no idea how heavy a bag of dirty litter would be! I collected the trash from around the house - why do we need so many trash cans!! I collected the recycling - oy vey, it seemed like the cardboard boxes had mated and multiplied over night! And then I had to drag it all to the curb - through the snow, in the cold. I know I sound like a princess, but it just made me really appreciate all Michele's hard work in our home and it kept me focused and busy. It also pretty much guarantees that I will sleep well tonight. Do you know how heavy a 40-lb bag of cat litter is!?! Well, 40 pounds, but you know what I mean!

Black Pants, Brown Shoes

Today I did something that I don't ever remember doing - I wore brown shoes with my black pants. Now, that may not seem like a big deal, but if you know my mother, then you know that was probably one of the first things she taught us: eat, walk, read, don't wear brown shoes with black pants or white socks with black shoes, and, for goodness sake, match your shoes to your belt! I told Michele about my faux pas and we had a good laugh about it tonight. Oh well, if that's the farthest off my game I get, I suppose I'm doing alright!

A Good Day

Today was a good day. I think it was because last night ended up being a good night. My mom called and our conversation brought me out of my listlessness. I actually accomplished something and had a real task to check off one of my lists. Unfortunately, it distracted me and I forgot to eat the bag of cookies. They will be there for me another night. The other great thing that helped me last night was that Michele called and we spent time giggling and laughing about some of the folks she is meeting in Indiana. That was a nice way to end the day and made for a nice day today.

Today was also really nice because I completed a project that I hadn't even planned on doing: I made Michele a care package. I needed to send her one thing and it spiraled into lots of things, but that's what life is like, isn't it? I think I will end my good day with an episode of my favorite show: Star Trek TNG.

Pulling the Covers

Michele and I have been together for eleven years and every night for eleven years Michele has complained about me pulling the covers off of her while we sleep. Well, I have now slept without her for three nights. Every morning I wake up and all the covers are on the floor on my side of the bed and the body pillow I have sleeping in Michele's spot is totally uncovered. So, someone is certainly pulling the covers. I'm not ready to admit that it's me, though. Maybe in another eleven years!

No Action

At work, when there is an edit to one of the courses I am developing, we sometimes decide not to address the edit. When that happens, the edit gets marked "No Action." That's how today feels to me: No Action. I have a lot of lists - its my thing. I think I have about 5 To Do lists going right now. But, I don't really feel like doing anything today. I bought a pack of double chocolate Milano cookies yesterday. Maybe I will amend one of my To Do list with "Turn on heating blanket" "Crawl into bed" and "Eat bag of cookies." Hey, then I'd have three things to check off the list. It's day two and Michele called earlier to say that she may be gone this time for three months or longer instead of the original two months. I think I am entitled to an evening of cookies in bed.

Let There Be Light

Many who know me may not know that I am afraid of the dark. With Michele here, the fear isn't gone, it's just shut away because she's not afraid, so I know that she will take care of me and go into the dark places for me. Well, this is day one of Michele away from home, so I decided to be very proactive. Before she left, we put night lights up all around the house. Today, I installed a new front door light. It can either come on automatically from dusk til dawn or it can come on if there is any motion from dusk til dawn. I haven't decided which I will do, yet. Right now it is motion.

I also bought a new lamp for the dining room and put it on a timer. Now I have a lighted path from the upstairs to the downstairs bathroom. I guess I can't wait til its light enough to go downstairs and use that as an excuse to be late for work. I think that's a pretty good start to banishing the darkness that I find so frightening. It also kept me pretty busy so I didn't miss Chele too much.